differentkindofnormal’s blog

Used the Borax/baking soda/vinegar combo on a regular load of wash (regular dirt) -- successful! Maybe I will get brave and try my husband's uniforms ... maybe on two sets .... his socks came out very clean and bright!

I have a bunch of yogurt containers with plastic lids that are coded "5" (can't put in regular recycle), so I'm thinking of cleaning them out and for laundry, filling with half Borax and half baking soda. And otherwise, distributing baking soda and Borax in individual containers in other rooms of the house for ease of cleaning while I'm there. I used to just keep one big thing of cleanser with a sponge or a rag, but invariably found myself at one end of the house wanting to clean a room while my cleaning supplies were in another area. I have found it simpler for me to have small batches of supplies in each room (kitchen, bathroom, laundry, etc.) so that I can just grab and scrub.

Website promo -- there is a website I found called "Soaps Gone Buy" -- they stock Fels Naptha Laundry soap and a bunch of other stuff. I just ordered 7 bars of Fels Naptha today -- they cost $1.50 each at the SGB site -- they can ship up to 7 bars of laundry soap for $4.80 Priority Flat Rate mail. They accept PayPal, and they are a verified merchant. I'll try to post my "review" of things once I receive my order. I'm always looking for cheaper, safer alternatives to chemicals -- including Tide!

Another website, MomAdvice, has free printables for keeping track of store prices and also a weekly calendar that I like. And I signed up with Organized Families, I want to print out a monthly family calendar to help keep track of my family's varying schedules on one sheet (not three calendars like at present). I'm hoping to do this rather than having to order a wall calendar - which, though it's nice, costs more money.

Thought I'd share a recipe with you -- not from a cookbook, but my own version. I just posted this in my other blog (one that I'm using strictly for homemaking, housekeeping and cooking adventures, nothing exciting):

Just made these for my family, and boy did they taste good!!!  (If I do say so myself!!)

2 lbs. of farmers market ground chuck (preferably free-range, pasture-raised)
1 large egg (preferably cage-free, free range)
whole butter (real butter, farm style)
garlic powder
oregano ~ basil ~ minced onion ~ kosher salt
Italian bread crumbs
Worcestshire sauce
sliced cheese (if you want a cheeseburger)

In a large bowl, mash (with your fingers) the 2 lbs. of ground chuck, and flatten out a bit. Crack the egg, sprinkle garlic powder, oregano, basil,  minced onion, and a dash of kosher salt, Italian bread crumbs, and a dash of Worcesthire sauce. Fold up the meat over the seasonings and start kneading. Keep kneading until ingredients and meat are well blended. Have a plate ready and form into about 12 medium-size (about 3" across) patties.

Get a large frying pan, turn the burner on, and get your pan hot. Melt a few pats (or shavings) of butter in the pan, swirl it around and get it all coated with melted butter. Sprinkle garlic and a little salt in, if desired. Place your patties in a circle around the pan, and one or two in the center (or however many you can fit). Cook the patties on each side -- about five minutes per side . Towards the end of the flip side being done, put a slice of cheese on each burger (or just on a few for family members who want cheeseburgers). Let that melt. Get another plate, place a paper towel or napkin on it, then take the burgers out and put them on the plate to cool.

I don't know how healthy the scrapings are for you (the leftover garlic, salt, butter, and ground meat crumbs), but they do taste yummy!!!

Dinner tonight, lunch tomorrow, and enough for my husband's dinner tomorrow (before his night class).

Enjoy!!

Howdy all,

I'm going to take things in a slightly different direction, to reflect what I'm working on and what has grabbed my attention. In my quest to save money and reduce expenses, I keep going back to the "old ways" of my family.

A friend sent me a book, unexpected but sensation, called "Nourishing Traditions" - I cannot recommend this book highly enough!!!  This book is reconnecting me with my mother, my grandparents, my great-grandparents, and a way of life considered "outdated" by modern America and the marketplace - but full of wisdom, common sense and practicality.

Since I last wrote, I've gone through a lot of personal "lifestyle" changes in diet, homemaking and approaches to cooking, cleaning, and home management. I don't have time to delve into all of it, but a few things i"m working on are: budgeting to shop at our local farmers market, preparing for informal yard sales, old-fashioned cooking, reducing microwave use, finding older soaps and cleansers like my grandparents used (the good stuff that is non-toxic but great for ground-in dirt, yard work, gardening, etc.) .....

Well, I just got a call from work and my chicken stew is cooling ... gotta run!!!

Okay ........ taking a deep breath .......

I just need to talk.

Today we saw the developmental pediatrician for a 6 month follow-up visit.

Now we have a 'working provisional diagnosis' of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Seems she's displaying the hallmarks now.  The doctor had ruled it out last year, but apparently today she changed her mind, and then decided to agree with the pediatrician's assessment last March.

I've been running the gamut of emotions and feelings today .... including feeling numb ..... and "nothingness" -- the feeling of being spent and emptied.

It's like a relief that someone is acknowledging a name for the baffling and troubling behaviors and difficulties that my kid has been exhibiting ....... and it is a deep sadness within me that my nightmares of the last few months are coming true.

And I also don't know what to feel, what to think, how to feel, what to do about not knowing what or how to feel or think. And I'm angry about it and also deeply grateful at the same time.  Huh???

Kind of like Private Ryan near the end of 'Saving Private Ryan' -- he learns his brothers are dead and that he's going home .... and he doesn't know how to respond. He's fighting for self-control and to make everything be okay, that he can handle this, he's strong enough, he'll stand his ground, but he's fighting not to break down at the news, fighting not to lose control ... fighting to stay strong and keep fighting with his Band of Brothers while reeling from his world shattering.

Something like that.

I know it is possible that she may lose the diagnosis. But then where would that leave us?  Baffling and disturbing behaviors with no explanation, cause or treatment? Then what?? The next step is that I need to have her evaluated by a child psychologist as a 'second opinion' per the doctor's request. And I know what I live with every day. Will the child psychologist see it?

And I know that this doctor is the first one to take her meltdowns seriously, not just a 'temper tantrum'. She becomes something like an F5 tornado during her worst meltdowns, it is truly frightening, dangerous, and .... unbelievable, indescribable, and terribly upsetting.

I've had moments today when all I could do was cry and ask to 'wake up now, please'. Followed by moments of telling myself, I'm okay! I can handle this! I'll get through this just like I've gotten through every bump on this road of special needs and early intervention! This too will become a 'different kind of normal' for me and I'll know the ropes in no time. Which is followed again by tears and disbelief .... and numbness, emptiness .... feeling so tired and spent, and wondering how I'll ever garner enough energy and mental stability within myself to handle MORE evaluations, MORE doctors, MORE therapists.

I told a few family members ... because I go by the old Jewish belief that naming something and talking about it, drains it of its power over you. My Italian Catholic stepmother helped calm me down enough by phone for me to drive home. Then after a while, I didn't feel like talking or thinking about it anymore, wanted everything to be the way it was before. 

The doctor does not make these diagnoses lightly, which is why she wants a second opinion. And this will go on record -- with her therapists, with the 3 to 5 agency, with the doctor's office and possibly the insurance companies. It's not a simple matter of "okay, we think she has autism spectrum, but this doesn't change anything." 

It changes everything. It's changing me also.

I guess I'll have to try to keep this blog going .... I just stepped into yet another strange new world .... of autism.

I already posted in one blog that I'm not sure whether I'm going to keep it open or not. Last couple of weeks, I just don't have the time to keep up with anything but family matters.

I've decided to let my blogs go for a few more weeks, at least through January, to see if I have more time once the holidays are over.

Each person in my family, and in my mother's family (my two aunts and my grandmother) have things going on now and are needing a lot of time and attention. I realized recently that I was not able to sit and do something for five minutes without an interruption or being called away (I am not exaggerating).

I'm still waiting on that CNA training info. If I don't receive something in the mail by next Friday, I'll probably call.

I got my little one signed up for a Parent/Child group at the one developmental center - we start next Wednesday. I should be receiving the Elwyn report any day now to learn their decision on her school placement. The P/C group accepts kids up to 40 months, and the preschool would be two mornings a week, so I'm hoping she can be in both of them and get a good dose of structure and services. But I don't know where her therapy will fit in with that.

Hope everyone is having a good holiday season, and 'time will tell' what becomes of this blog ......

Hi everyone - yes, I'm still here. I've read your messages, and I'm grateful for them -- thank you :). Will try to respond when I have the time (may be after the holidays, not sure).

I only have a few minutes, so I'll make this quick.

ChildLink Annual Review was yesterday. Confirmed Sensory Processing Disorder and developmental apraxia. Discovered approximately a one year delay in all areas but physical, or a 36% overall delay which more than qualifies her for continued services (25% delay necessary). They said that according to their evaluations and assessments, she should qualify for Elwyn also. I still need to schedule the preschool tours - will schedule for January.

Notable:  SC asked me if I was interested in job training, that they have a CNA training program available for parents of children in ChildLink. I jumped at it. I'm still waiting for the information, but YES I am interested in training to become a CNA, get my foot in the door of a hospital or other health facility, and eventually become an RN. In my family, you went to school for business. My mother wanted journalism or veterinary medicine - my grandfather said "business". I wanted journalism or nursing - my mother said "business". She was paying the bill - I went for business, while always wanting to be a nurse. Time, children and money ... never really had the opportunity to do it.

Since they're moving so slowly on this, I'm looking into my own info on local schools that offer CNA programs. There aren't too many, but one local school offers evening classes that might work out for me. I need a better job. So even if ChildLink doesn't come through on this, or if I'm not eligible, there is a local school that may work out for me.

Today I was trying to manage work, my husband calling about insurance matters (open season just ended, and the FSA is ending soon), and my little one who is not feeling well again (another GI problem on top of the cough cold that I also have, it just doesn't want to let go) and her sensory problems are in high gear again.

Found out that i can download college courses on iTunes for my iPod - and I downloaded Anatomy & Physiology, BioChemistry, Geriatric Nursing, Nursing Fundamentals, and a few other courses. So I can listen to full college lectures on my iPod in the car, while doing dishes, cooking, walking, anything. They don't substitute or count for the real thing, but for the tougher subjects, it will allow me time to take notes and learn some of the subject matter before having to take the course itself on a deadline. For subjects like Anatomy & Physiology and also chemistry, this is good for me because of heavy terminology and complicated chemistry equations. And on iTunes, it's all free.

December. What a month so far.  (Warning, some brief vulgar language in this post.)

I'm tired of being blamed for my child(ren)'s behavior.

Not doing enough. Doing too much. Doing too much of the wrong thing. Doing not enough of the right thing.

It's bad enough for parents of typical kids. Add special needs into the mix and then I have therapists, doctors, family, and everyone in between blaming me for all of their behaviors.

And I'm pissed off about it, because it's in my head now and I'm blaming myself for becoming a mother at all. Who did I think I was that I felt I could handle these challenges?

But then other voices kick in and then I don't know whether I'm a failure at everything I attempt to do to fix things, or whether some things get fubar'd because of unreasonable demands and expectations of me and my children.

Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle, but I'm beyond caring to sort it all out.  

Do the therapists have REAL WORLD answers for a child refusing to wear a diaper at night, insisting on playing with the dog's food (and trying to give the dog chocolate, chicken bones, and other no-no's), trying to "clean" walls with a toilet brush, being determined to break a lamp and electrocute herself, climbing anywhere and everywhere, and putting everything in her mouth again (from pennies to batteries to paper clips to other wonderful toxic non-food items)?

I have one therapist who keeps reminding me, "She's only two years old" -- no, she's not. She's 33 months old, that's almost 3 years old, and 33 mos is not the same as 2 years old.

I have another therapist who insists that children only mimic what they see us doing, so we always have to model the behavior that we want them to copy. Offer choices, distractions, and explain consequences, and that will make it easier. They'll understand. Bullshit!!!  That's nice but overly simplistic and seems to have nothing to do with my situation here.

Speech refuses to give a definite diagnosis with more definitive treatment guidelines, even though she fits the classic hallmarks of apraxia. I have let go of thoughts of her speaking fluent English, and I have been embracing the idea of "word aproximations" and sign language because that is what works best for her. I seem to be alone in this, though.

The chatter about autism spectrum is circulating again, except that our dev ped seems to have completely ruled out any possibility of autism, though she may wind up with PDD-NOS because no one can seem to make up their minds on what to do with her. At this point, I'd almost prefer a dx of PDD-NOS because it would be SOMETHING, it might get her better services or better placement (had the Elwyn eval, now I have to wait until January to find out what they decide will work for her and whether I have to fight again or not) ...... even though my family would flip out.

My husband's family -- it doesn't exist, nothing's wrong, it's your problem, we don't want to know, what's the big deal.
 
My family -- yes, we know there's a problem, but it must fit into our nice neat little packages of explanations, everything is simple with a cause and response, you're the cause, do things our way and everything will be perfect.

Talk to therapists and doctors, and nothing unusual happens with special kids in December. Talk to families and those of us struggling in the trenches, and most seem to agree that December is a really stressful month. I'm in the middle of jostling expectations and perspectives, be strict, don't be strict, keep things simple, change it up a bit, try festivities, avoid festivities, somehow all the medical needs must be done THIS month even with all the chaos, but why is she acting out, kicking the cat, pulling my hair, wetting the bed, tantruming constantly, throwing things, breaking things, making huge messes, and purposely placing herself in danger because she thinks it's funny?

And all of this is my fault?

I wish I could make these therapists and doctors spend a week in my life, then tell me it's my fault. I wish they could face even half of what I'm confronted with every day, and then tell me who's to blame and what's wrong here. Do my laundry, clean up the messes, save the animals, break up the fighting sisters, try to go to the bathroom and eat a meal, make a phone call and run errands.

I know that a lot of people are involved in my children's lives -- and none of them have good answers.

I'm just doing the best I can, and I feel once again like I'm really f*****g it up big-time.

People are fast and loose with the criticisms and opinions, but they don't offer to pitch in and help.

My husband has informed me that I'm grouchy. This was after he spent ten minutes "poking me with a stick" over the phone and picking on me. Then he has the chutzpah to say that I'm grouchy. Oh really?

Tough tushy. Just call me Oscar.

I've got lots of reasons. Want me to list them? I'd rather not. I'd bore you, and I'd bore myself.

I just dropped my big kid off at a friend's house for a sleepover, so it's just me and the little one at least through tomorrow. My husband gets to go to a nice big party tonight for work. He mentioned something about football parties tomorrow, so I guess we won't be seeing him much until Monday evening. Must be nice not to have to worry about child care, laundry, meals, or any other regular part of home management. Oh, wait a minute - I designed my life this way, so it's my fault, right? I'll try to remember that next time. I really only get to socialize with other parents of special needs kids, and none of us really has any time or availability to "go out". We talk about it, but we rarely do it.

Tomorrow my kids and I may or may not be in a Thanksgiving Parade with the STARS group -- depends if it rains.

So today I've been doing laundry, stuff out in the kitchen (a lot more to do in the kitchen), trying to clean up some, trying ..... got a phone call, now I can't remember what I was going to say.

Oh, I'm trying to get more paperwork done and organized. Seems I have a lot of paperwork to fill out lately. And more phone calls and appts to schedule, or reschedule. And two kids that are like whirling dervishes in the house.

So I'm grouchy.

I'm tired. But I have a pressing need to get on top of, and develop a better system for, managing paperwork, laundry, meals, phone calls ... all of the minutiae of children and home management. Because it will get worse soon.

And I wish I could do something other than work - not just money work, but house work, therapy work, kid work, cleaning work, driving work .... I feel like I never stop working, and even the so-called recreational activities end up turning into work because I'm often asked to take care of things. Last night I heard from a few parents about the shambles that the public schools are in with special ed kids. Preschool seems to be no problem -- it's once the kids reach kindergarten or first grade that the problems start (unless you're like some parents who fight with school administrators no matter how good the school is, they just always complain and demand the impossible). That means more phone calls, more pounding on doors, more paperwork, more follow-up = more battles with authorities.

That can make a person grouchy also. There is so much that we have to keep track of - nothing is simple in the lives and routines of families with special needs children. Even the simplest routines and activities require planning, prevention, preparation, and a back-up plan in case it all gets blown to hell at the last minute. It is very tiring. And I get sick of hearing myself talk to people about things because I can't just decide to "move on with it", much as I'd like to -- because "moving on with it" can only be done with planning, prevention, preparation, and a back-up plan!

Our Elwyn eval is on December 3 -- coming up very fast. I've learned that the eval itself is no big deal, but that the IEP will be the important and tricky meeting because they will try to do as little as possible to help her, and that I will have to be very firm and clear regarding what I want in getting my child a "free and appropriate education". I'm trying to clear out sections of my home because I'm tired of looking at and working around clutter that slows me down and makes it more difficult to take care of my responsibilities. Question is what to do with some of it. "Throw it out" or "give it away" are not always good options. And in some rooms, working in one corner ends up involving the rest of the house. This house is too big for me to manage on my own, but it was my parents' house. I would like something smaller and more efficient in its design and layout. But, we have what we have, and I'm grateful we have a house.

I'm also feeling guilty that it is not raining out today (but it is damp and chilly as hell), and I don't have my little one outside or at a playground like I always see another mother doing with her children ... I'm getting over an achy migraine and my little one seems to be tired herself today. Just seems to be a good day for "quiet cleaning."

Tomorrow morning I plan to attend Mass. I'll use a line from Mother Angelica:  "Jesus, I'm here. I'm mad at You, but I am here, and that's all I can give You for now." And that is all I can do - I'll be mad, but I'll show up anyway.

Okay, I've been kvetching at the computer for long enough ... time to tackle more paperwork and laundry.

Thank you, Patrick & FightingGale ;)  Yes - this is why I need to get clearance first, and may have to have regular cardiology check-ups once I become pregnant.

As much I love the idea of larger families and greatly admire and respect those who are able to achieve this (I just love the Duggar family, the Willis family, and others like them!) .... I strongly feel that three children is our limit.

This is why I say that I've prayed about this for many months .... I don't believe in artificial contraception, I have practiced NFP since my little one's birth (after I found out that birth control pills do actually cause abortions), and I have never taken conception and pregnancy lightly. Each of my children -- each of my pregnancies -- were planned carefully. Life is a precious gift, and babies are amazing, wondrous miracles of God.

I was never able to "get rid of" my strong desire for one more child, and even every time I see a pregnant woman, I am struck with strong envy while saying a silent prayer of "Me, too - please, when the time is right" ;)

I did ask my husband if he would consider adoption if we were not able to have another baby .... he kind of sidestepped my question and just started talking about preparing for another pregnancy.

My OB/GYN did make me aware that I would be faced with more tests and possible complications, like last time .... I am aware of this ... though at least now I have a better idea of what that can mean.

If my cardiologist says no, or "only if ....", then I will do my best to accept her answer, or work within whatever options she gives me. She is a mother also, and a "maternal" type of woman, so I am hopeful that she will help me.

I've been cleared by my OB/GYN to become pregnant again - provided my cardiologist clears my heart condition.

Considering that I've had four pregnancies and two children while I've had this heart condition - and have only been on this heart med this past year (I was cleared for the heart med), I'll be surprised if she says no. So hopefully, she'll clear me. Last year, when she first evaluated me, she did not tell me that I could not have more children.

I understand that it will be high risk again. I also understand that at my age (35) the risk for birth defects or complications increases. I've been through that already -- I know those ropes well enough to handle it.

I've been through severe antenatal and postpartum depression before -- this time I will be better equipped to speak up and deal with it in a better way (than just suffering in silence for months). I've survived all of it.

My vegetarian diet is fine - no problems. My exercising is fine - no problems. I'm actually very healthy otherwise.

So now I need to wait for the cardiologist to have an opening, and then I'll talk to her about our plans. If she clears me for pregnancy, then it's just a matter of time - our time and God's timing.

We hope to have one more surviving child. I've prayed about this for many months, and my husband and I have had several discussions about it -- we're on the same page with it.